chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize