Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
