Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
