I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
