my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
