we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
