I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
