Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize