I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
