I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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