I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
