Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
