She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
