sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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