Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
