Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Who died my cat blue again?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
