god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have demons in me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
