When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
