I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize