there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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