woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
