your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
