Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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