Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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