Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I want her autograph on my taint
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize