Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need to align my fucking chakras
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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