I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
