his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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