Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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