maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
