After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
