Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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