my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
