Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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