Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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