So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
