Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
