Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think my vagina is haunted
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
