and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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