who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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