Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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