I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
