Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
