I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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