1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the day after is always just damage control
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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