The maid of honor just puked.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
