the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
