If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
