Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Im part way to drunk.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
