Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
