Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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