smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
