My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
