It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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