Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
