yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
