listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
