a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She just used a chaser for red wine.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
