My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
